


A Mildly Calamitous Encounter

by botgal



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Cherubs (Homestuck), Exploring the dynamics of cherub relationships in a human lens, F/M, Humanstuck, In a sense, Is what their dad is, Is what their mom is, Mafia Boss, Or Human Cherubs, Police Brutality, Unhealthy Kismesissitude, caliborn and calliope's mom and dad - Freeform, dirty cop, future children discussion, i guess, implications of attempted drugging, implied at least - Freeform, it gets pretty ugly, it gets weird, what I'm saying is this gets pretty fucked up implications wise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29928996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/botgal/pseuds/botgal
Summary: Calamity Jane, an officer teetering on the edge of rogue, does not take pride in what she does. But she knows it's necessary. And she will do whatever it takes to do what she needs to do.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	A Mildly Calamitous Encounter

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly this was meant to be an exploration of Cherub relationship dynamics through a human bend. Seeing how things go and what this might look like in a form more analagous to our own relationships. This isn't supposed to be a proper relationship, or anything close to healthy. This is basically two severely fucked up people dealing with each other in a fucked up way. And doing fucked up things along the way.

Somewhere, in a deep dark night, in an edge of rathole town, in a barely respectable hotel, in an overly expensive room, in a trashed bed, in a rumpled suit which may have once been fine but whose quality now suited its wearer, a man lay. Champagne stained and stinking chest steadily rising and falling under the brilliant gold chain around his neck. His hat lay askew over his face, leaving any slumbering face to the imagination.

Somewhere off in a corner of the room, a floorboard creaked. Barely enough to denote a miniscule mouse, or a particularly hefty fly. Nothing that disturbed the man where he lay reclined. The illusion of any kind of peaceful slumber was broken, however, as a glint of metal in the moonlight pressed to his throat, the wielder looming over the back of the headboard.

The wielder, however, instantly felt a press of cold metal under their chin, and gritted their teeth.

"Calamity Jane." A voice, smooth and dark as silk dipped in motor oil dripped from under the hat. Grimacing, she reached down with a free hand and flipped the hat up by the brim. Revealing the smirking mouth and glinting rubies for eyes of the man who had been faking sleep. "You were quick in finding me this time, darlin'. You _must_ be getting desperate."

“John Doe. Or should I say, 'Calathus',” she replied curtly. “You're making it so easy to track you down nowadays a child could find you with a magnifying glass. She nodded down to his champagne stinking shirt, despite the barrel of the revolver prodding up into her neck. “Getting drunk while on the run? In such a vulnerable spot? Here I almost thought you better than that.”

Calathus smirked, and blew a puff of breath up into her face. His breath smelled of fresh spearmint. And not a trace of alcohol. She wrinkled her nose in annoyance more than disgust. To think she had fallen for that ruse.

“Still after the same old thing? Or are you just here to keep me company tonight before your next failed arrest attempt?” Calathus sighed.

“I don't see why any woman would be wanting in your pants otherwise.”

Calathus sighed to himself, finally seeming something other than blithely amused.

“Honestly, Calamity. Out of all the women who have ever tried to get money out of me for being the father to their child, you're probably the only one who's gone this far to make _sure_ I am. Don't you normally prosecute folks for this sort of thing?”

“You said it yourself in your own will. Any blood children you have will be the ones to inherit everything you have once you're finally found dismembered in a ditch.”

“And how many times did you pistol whip and threaten my attorney with imprisonment to get him to reveal _that_ particular bit of information again?” She didn't respond. “Really now, I'd be more than happy for you to have my children. If you'd quit being a police officer and stop trying to kill me of course.” He smiled up at her. “I'd love to have a daughter with those green eyes of yours. Otherwise, I don't know what you'd do with the children after you had me killed and have thoroughly dismantled my 'empire of crime' brick by brick.”

“That bridge will be crossed when it gets to it.”

“And would've been crossed sooner were I not so watchful over my drinks, no doubt.” He sighed. “Really is such a shame. Had I found a woman like you who weren't an officer, I'd have gotten down on one knee in a heartbeat.”

“I'll have you down on both knees eventually, once I've shot through both your kneecaps,” she hissed furiously.

“Ah, but yet...” He mused, tilting up his head slightly, smiling dreamily. “If you weren't who you are... you wouldn't have that _fire_ in you that's just so... _enticing_.”

Suddenly Calathus rushed up, mashing his lips to hers in a messy, upside down kiss. Calamity didn't fall into any sort of heap of kissing him, didn't close her eyes or let her heart thump with excitement, but she did grab hold of his tie with her free hand, and closed her teeth around his lip. The singular, sharpened gold tooth that replaced the incisor he had knocked out of her mouth with one of his dress shoes on one occasion dug in and drew blood from the soft inside of his mouth.

“You disgust me,” she hissed through her lip.

“I know, darlin'.”

She barely had time to see the whir of movement as one of his shoes came up and over, crashing into the top of her head. She let go of his lip in shock, reeling back from the blow. But it was barely a moment before he jumped up in his bed, bringing his revolver around and bashing it into her temple. Stars exploded in her vision as she veered straight into the floor. Gun falling with a muffled clatter into the carpet beside her head.

As she lay there, cringing in pain, Calathus hummed a jaunty tune to himself as he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, dabbing at the blood still dripping from his mouth. Ever so casually, he strode forward and knocked the gun out of her reach, and bent down to snatch her wallet and the keys to her car from her jacket pocket.

When he had extracted a couple of crisp twenties and a hundred from her wallet, he dropped it back on the floor near her gun. The keys he swung back up into his palm.

“I'll be dropping these into the pool for you to collect later. I suggest having someone else do it for you, I heard one of the staff whispering about how someone had to be hauled off in an ambulance after taking a dip last week. And luckily for your piss-poor salary, I only took enough to cover my dry cleaning. I happen to like this shirt.” Which he was currently buttoning as he strode towards the door. “I'll be seeing you the next time you catch up with me, Calamity. Looking forward to it.”

“I'll fucking kill you one of these days,” he heard a furious hiss come behind him.

All he did was chuckle.

“Seeing as you're wanting to make a father out of me before you do that... I highly doubt it. Goodbye.”

And the door was closed. Leaving Calamity Jane stewing, painful in the dark. Only thoughts of hate and vengeance stewing in her mind.


End file.
